Do the stars conspire to kill us off with loneliness?

Got some real real bad news today. Last night was rough for a minute, as the holidays always are, but I bounced back and woke up this morning feeling the love and knowing the world can be a good place. Unfortunately, a friend was not so lucky. Facebook told me the news and I've spent a good part of the day, sitting and staring, back and forth looking for a connection but feeling lost all the same. Bought a pack of nasty cigarettes to emphasize the exhale, drinking the rest of the wine I uncorked two nights ago, retyping highlighted passages from research articles so that I don't actually have to create or think but can feel like I'm not allowing myself to become entirely numb.

It's not even my pain that I'm avoiding. So many people who mean so much to me are hurting so bad right now, and how many people are hurting in silence, how many people have to suffer through the holiday nights... I just don't know if there is anything I can do and I want to help but I don't know how and I know that by writing this I'm making it all about me but I just don't know what else to do and I really have no right to express my pain when it pales in comparison to what others are going through.

Life becomes so consumed by such trivial matters. To think that homework deadlines and upcoming finals and standing in front of an audience of peers to give a speech could totally destroy my bowel, when there is such real pain plaguing so many people who mean the world to me. It just makes me feel as though none of it mattered in hindsight. How do I share my love with those around me? How can I tell them all at once how dear they truly are to me? How can I live my life so that once a tragic event extinguishes the bright light of a loved one or a liked one or a barely known but someone who was appreciated nonetheless has their bright light suddenly extinguished, I can know that they left knowing how much I cared and how much I noticed and how much I appreciated them? And would it even make a difference? Can I make a difference?

I love you all. You all mean so much to me. I want to think that I won't live another day without telling those around me how important they are. I want to think that trifles and materials and artificially constructed deadlines and matters of adult responsibility and importance won't succeed as barriers to that which matters most.

Nothing seems more relevant right now than the Bell Jar. If anyone has a copy to loan, please pass it on, as I feel the library will make me grow old with the impatience of anticipation.

RIP Michelle. You really were a beautiful soul.